And so it begins... again.

Today is the first day of school. Actually, it's a day full of firsts. A.J. started high school, Stacee started junior high (more on this is a moment) and Colin started first grade. Which all culminates into a fantabulous milestone for me:

ALL FOUR KIDS ARE IN SCHOOL ALL DAY!

Yes, that's correct. If I so choose, I can actually be alone in my home with silence from 9 am to 2:30 pm. That's potentially 5 and a half hours of just me. In case you're wondering why this warrants a blog entry, the last time I was alone was in the 90s. I'm sure you can see why I'm so excited.

Not that my days will be empty. Kris and I made the agreement that if I got to quit my job and stay home, I'd have days full of mopping, organizing, cleaning, dusting, etc. But let's face it, my house can only get so clean, right? Truth be told, I'm really looking forward to finishing projects and starting new ones. I like it when dinner's done when Kris walks in the door. It's a very peaceful feeling when I get up in the morning and the kitchen is clean, or when I have time to clean the toilets before the ring is visible. These are things that make me smile. If I get to do them alone and in the quiet, more power to me!

So, A.J. started high school today. He chose zero period which starts at 6:55 am (yes, that was am!), which means he left the house on his bike about 6:20 this morning. Far too early for me, but his body clock is different than mine. I tried to convince him to let me drive him the first day, but he wasn't having it. It's strange for me to think of him in high school. He's the third generation to go through that school. My parents met there, my brother and I went there and now him. Not to mention several aunts, uncles and cousins, as well. I'm glad that he doesn't have any teachers I had, although it really wasn't that long ago that I graduated. Sometimes it seems like I'm still about 19 in my head, but then I look up to A.J. (literally - he's 6"2' now) and realize that I am actually old enough (but barely!!!) to have a high schooler. It makes me teary to know that there's only a few more years he'll be living here under our roof. Such a limited amount of time to speak truth into his life and teach him all the things he needs to know before he's an adult. He's such an incredible young man, and it's only because he's such a good boy that Kris and I even have the ability to still impact his life. For so many parents that ship has already sailed. How fortunate we are with this gift.

And Stacee started junior high. This has been the hardest thing for me about school starting this year. As far as her maturity level goes, she was so, so, so ready to move from elementary school to junior high. The concern lies in two areas: 1) Only 2 other kids that she knows from 6th grade are attending her school, and 2) She really has no time for drama, gossip and pettiness. I don't know where she got that, but it's truly a zero-tolerance personal policy with her. This is what makes me worry the most. She's perfectly capable of making friends and meeting new people. New situations tend to make her nervous, but she's able to talk herself through it. She's a fun, straight-forward young woman who knows right from wrong and isn't afraid to choose the right thing, even if she's the only one. I'm just afraid she's the only one, which will make junior high an incredibly lonely place. In a culture where your "tribe" counts for everything, I worry that she won't be able to find her own. It's such a precarious balance to strike between being yourself and finding approval for it.

School starting also means the beginning of all the activities that accompany it. This means that I'll spend way too much time driving/carpooling/picking-up/dropping-off than I want to. A.J., Stacee and Brennan will all be taking dance classes again, and participating in our church's Christmas production, "An Evening In December." A.J. will attend youth group once a week, as will Stacee and I. Brennan will want to, but he's not old enough and Colin is still perfectly happy at home. I wonder if he'll ever grow out of that. For the sake of my gas budget, I hope not.

How are you today?

I was asked that question last night by someone who doesn't bother asking unless he wants to know the answer, so I knew I couldn't paste a smile on my face and flippantly say, "Fine." It was difficult to answer because I spent most of yesterday on the verge of tears. I'd love to ignore it and say it was hormonal, but it's wasn't - it was all real.
I've realized that along with the things I love about being home with my kids come things that I don't love about being home with my kids. I'm not talking about things l knew I would dislike: cleaning the house everyday, listening to squabbling or bored kids. I'm talking about things that never even occured to me. Things like not having my own cash and having to think through my own problems. I guess it never really occured to me that I'd really miss the girls from my office or how annoying the words, "Can I play on the Play Station?" could be.
I know I'm doing the right thing by my kids. At the end of my life I didn't want to look back and know that I was an excellent secretary. I want to be able to look back and know that I raised 4 happy, healthy, well-adjusted people. It's just that this week, I'm finding it a little lonely and not a little tedious. I'm certainly not second-guessing my decision to be a full-time mommy; I'm just venting at the unexpected price I'm paying. I know myself well enough to know that I won't feel like this in a few days... thank God! It's just that I was asked the question last night and knew it was the right thing to answer it, so now it's on my mind.
So, like my friend, I won't ask if I don't genuinely care. How are you today?

So Beautiful!

First, let me tell you a few absolutely beautiful things I've come across this last month:

1. I saw Charlotte's Web (the new one, not the 80s cartoon) with my youngest son, Colin. The beautiful part was having a morning with just him. Although I'm usually amazed with and at my kids, this particular morning was outstanding. He has such a sensitive heart, tempered evenly with silliness. What he does with the combination of the two during his lifetime will be exciting to see.

2. My daughter, Stacee leads worship with the band at the middle school group every other week. Seeing her step outside her comfort zone to be vunerable with her talent in front of her peers makes me so, so, so very proud of her. I used think there was no greater sound than the belly-laugh of an infant. I've recently revised my opinion on that. There are few greater sounds anywhere in the world than the sound of your child raising their voice in song to the Maker they believe in.

3. Kris and I walked into the house last week to see all four of our kids sprawled out all over each other in order of their age (raising the bar, anyone?) on the same sofa. They weren't arguing or wrestling. They were showing their affection in a beautiful way: by just hangin' together. It brought tears to my eyes.

Now, let me share with you my last week, which by the way was filled with beauty and art. I left last Sunday morning with 2 other adults and 18 middle schoolers to drive 9 hours to summer camp. I haven't attended a summer camp since 1991, so needless to say, I was slightly intimidated by the prospect. I'm lucky enough to know most of the kids as I've been part of the volunteer staff for the last several months, but I had absolutely no idea how I would do with 10 girls under my care 24/7 for 5 days. I knew what I didn't want to deal with: drama, gossip, whining, boy craziness, sleepless nights. Other than that, my expectations weren't very high. I went into it knowing I would need a little time each day by myself, so I woke up early every morning for a hot shower and some time with Jesus. I knew I'd need to feel connected to the other staff on the trip, so I made a point to get to know my co-counselor better (Yelena is an amazing woman, by the way!).

One of my favorite times was when one of the girls was struggling in a specific area and I had the opportunity to see our pastor speak truth into her life about her worth and her identity and how much she is loved unconditionally by her Maker. He shared with her that God created her uniquely and that he knows she is beautiful. I wanted to tape his encouraging words to have them on file for when I need to hear them. Although this young woman's struggles won't end with that conversation, he gave her tools to use when she is feeling discouraged.

We have two girls in our group who are phenomenal young women. They come from rather yucky backgrounds and reached our church through an outreach program to the community. Since they're both in my small group I've been able to get to know them and I've been honored to do so. They were amazing all week with their involvement in activities, their fun attitudes and their encouragement to the other girls. God has his hand on their lives and I'm anxious to see where he leads them.

I shouldn't be surprised when God steps in to exceed my expectations, but I was this last week. The girls in my cabin astounded me with their gentle attitudes, encouraging words and their willingness to step outside of themselves to love on other kids. It was so very beautiful to see God softening their hearts toward difficult personalities and reaching out in tangible ways to help one another. One of my favorite things was that by the end of the week, I felt like we looked like a family. There was very little separation by gender while we ate our meals together or sat together during Chapel. The students all bonded with each other and I was emmensely proud of all of them.

I was so blessed to be a part of it and have been thanking God the last several days that he chose me to be with them all week. On top of all that, all our girls were asleep every night by 11:30. I'm not sure, but I'm fairly certain that's some kind of record!

Finding Art & Beauty

It wasn't so long ago that I discovered I had the potential to be an artist. Certainly not in the realm of Shakespeare or Monet or Michelangelo, or even modern artists like Spielberg or Webber. I can't string together a bunch of letters and words and make them into poetry, or take clay to sculpt a human form. I'm nowhere near brushing strokes onto blank canvas and invoking emotion from their color, or bringing something out in people they didn't realize they had. I do know, however, that I have something that they also possessed: desire and heart, passion and potential. I'm just not sure what to do with it.

But isn't that what art is? Taking something ordinary and turning it into something extraordinary? Is it possible to do that with a life? Can you begin with an average mom of 4 kids, a bad credit score and no college degree and spin it into something amazing? Can you have a broken dishwasher, unanswered emails, a cheap bottle of wine and make it beautiful?

Which begs the question: what does beautiful look like? Is it a big house, a handsome husband, a career and a financial portfolio? Is it possible that there is beauty and creativity in the average? Those moments in which you take a deep breath and heave a heavy sigh of contentment - are those beautiful? I believe they are - or rather, they have the potential to be. I believe also that as children of The Creator, we're obligated to find it. He didn't call us to live average lives, but rather to have abundant lives. I know it's difficult when we're stuck in the middle of piled-up bills, stacked-up laundry and heaped-up baggage to fine the uniqueness that God created us with, but it's there. After all, He put it there for His glory.

I'm on a quest the find the beauty in the mundane and the creativity in the average. I'll let you know what I come across.

But First...

Luke 9:57-62
There have been many times in the last several years that I’ve put God off. Not intentionally, of course (yeah, right!). I’ve labeled it “discernment” or “waiting for God to move me.” I’ve put Him off for very good reasons: “But first I need to raise my kids…”, “But first I want to see Kris accept you as Savior…”, “But first I need to finish, or do, or see (insert task here)…” The fact is, though, that I was attempting to convince myself and God that I could just stay in my little bubble of life and not rely on His timing. I was so selfish to believe that nobody needed me outside my family, and I continually used them as an excuse to stay stuck. There’s not anything wrong with putting our families first; I believe God honors our time as wives and moms. I was serving them exclusively, however, all in the name of comfort and complacency.

Recently God has been changing my heart and quietly whispering in my ear. He’s placed people around me, shown me His Word and has been bringing my husband closer to Himself. All of these things have helped me find that He’s placed within me a real passion outside of my family. Much to my surprise, I’ve found that my heart aches for young women, whether they’re labeled at-risk or affluent. I want them to know the complete and unconditional love that their heavenly Father has for them, regardless of what their earthly fathers may look like. I desperately want to instill in them a sense of self-worth and pride so that they make life choices that reflect the confidence they have in the hope that only Jesus gives.

In this story in Luke, a man comes up to Jesus while He’s walking along the road on His way to Jerusalem. I can only assume he’s heard of this guy, Jesus before, because he comes up and says (something like), “Sure, Jesus, I’ll follow you. Sounds like fun!” The first thing Jesus does is challenge him. He and the other guys he was with immediately start to back peddle. I imagine they’re thinking, “Hey, wait a minute. This isn’t what I bargained for. On second, thought I think I’ll….ah…..oh, yeah, I’ve got some family stuff first.” After hearing their excuses, Jesus ends the conversation with, “No procrastination. No backward looks. You can’t put God’s kingdom off till tomorrow. Seize the day.” (The Message)

God doesn’t want our excuses. He already knows we’re busy with life. He’s the one that gifted us with family, careers, social lives and responsibilities – all the things we, in turn, use as excuses to put off His divine purpose for our lives. It’s challenging to give up our own hopes and dreams and follow God leading us. The fact is that He has designed each of us uniquely so that we can serve Him first.

Are you listening to what God is saying to you?
What has He given you a heart for that you aren’t pursuing?
What are you using as an excuse to stay comfortable?

Let me know. I'd love to hear your story.

Me According to Colin

Below is one of my Mother's Day presents from Colin. The words in italics are his:

My mom's name is Joy. She is 20 years old and weighs 30 pounds. Her hair is black and her eyes are blue. She cooks macaroni and cheese the best and she loves to eat broccoli. I think her favorite color is pink. She doesn't like to clean the backyard very much. She likes to watch movies on tv. My mom spends a lot of time at her job. I'll bet my mom would like to have earrings. I hope she knows how much I love her! Love, Colin

Don'tcha just LOVE kids!

Well, It's Official!

I put in my resignation Tuesday morning. Overall it was well-received by both my administrator and my supervisor. Neither one of them were overly excited about it, however, they both totally understand my desire to be with the kids. So, that's the news - June 12 will be my last day at work. Then I'll be a "normal mommy" according to Colin!

My Life's Greatest Calling

I've been struggling a lot lately with managing working full-time and mommying full-time. When I came back to work almost exactly three years ago, I really thought I could juggle both home and job. I thought that as the kids got older, they'd become more self-sufficient and I'd have more time with Kris and less guilt about leaving them. It turns out that for the most part, the opposite is true. Surprisingly, they still need me - just in different ways. I find my lunch breaks taken up with pick-ups and drop-offs and I've had to take several hours of sick time for appointments, school activities and special time with the kids. Many afternoons I play the part of mediator over the phone after school. A job which, quite frankly, I can't stand. It breaks my heart to tell my kids that I don't have time to solve their problems, manipulate them into doing their homework, or threaten to take away priveleges. It's so very frustrating to parent them in the afternoons from 20 minutes away, only to get home and still have to manage their lives. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed with an incredible husband, who also is also an awesome daddy, but let's face it: Mommying is something only I can do.

I dream of the day when I can get up early, spend time with Jesus, work out for 30 minutes (cardio & strength), fix my kids a well-balanced breakfast and send them off to school on time, with a nutritious home made lunch in hand, after sitting down at the table with them as we pray over our day.

Our reality right now, however is this: dragging myself out of bed 20 minutes late, multi-tasking through signing permission slips, showering, praying & counting out change for their lunch, while screaming at them to get their lazy tooshies out of bed, followed by me threatening to ground them until the Second Coming - and all of that takes place before we leave the house 10 minutes late!

I'm convinced at this point in my life that mediocrity reigns supreme. I've gotten so far as being able to do most things in both parts of my life adequately for maybe 30 or so consecutive hours. After that, the balls drop and splatter (to make yet another mess) at my feet. I'm tired of not measuring up, of feeling left out, of not quite making things right. I know that the "Superwoman" goal is a myth and that the concept of a perfect "Proverbs 31" woman is unattainable, at least for me. Since it's getting to the point that something will have to give, I'm giving y'all a head's up: I'm choosing my family. This, after all, is what I believe my greatest calling is. The legacy I want to leave is one of faith and not one of business. I know I'm fortunate to work in a church, and that on some scale, my 40 hours a week away fromt the kids have some sort of eternal impact, or maybe not... Regardless, my kids are much more important than typing letters, organizing events and answering phone calls. I want them to know that. I want them to know that they are loved unconditionally and completely, not only by me and Kris, but by their heavenly Father. I want them to relish in the laughter and fun that I haven't recently had the opportunity to give them.

I know full well that there is no perfect mom - working or not - that exists. I'm not at all trying to be that. I'm sure when I finally commit to being home more that there will be days that drive me to tears. I already know how crazy I feel when I am home with them. However, I also know that being available to them, engaging them and loving them is the best thing I can do with my life.

Pray for me.

Apologies to Karla Sue

Over the last several years, I've started apologizing to my mom for specific things I did as a kid. "Why?" you may ask. I'll tell you: because my kids do them to me and it makes me realize how selfish and insensitive I was. Here's a list of recent ones:

1. I'm sorry for thinking you had nothing better to do with your day than to meet my every whim - spoken and unspoken.

2. I'm sorry for getting sick on a day that you had 831 things on your to-do list and I needed you home to clean up my vomit.

3. I'm sorry I vomited on your newly-cleaned floors.

4. I'm sorry for thinking that God created you to be a walking ATM and that you could just deposit money into yourself from the money tree that I thought grew in the backyard.

5. I'm sorry for every time you disagreed with Dad over the most effective way to discipline me and it grew into an argument between the two of you.

6. I'm sorry when I argued with you about anything - but mostly, homework.

7. I'm sorry for every single time I rolled my eyes.

8. I'm sorry for being funny and/or cute when you really wanted to backhand me.

9. I'm sorry for making you look like a bad mom in public. (This includes misbehaving, bad dressing, stains on clothing and arguing with Mark, among other things)

10. I'm sorry for every time I thought I was smarter than you and Dad.

If you're reading, Mom, thanks for forgiving me! I love you!

The Difference Between Boys & Girls

Since we have three fairly rambunctious boys and 1 fairly independent girl, I feel pretty qualified to assess the difference between the two sexes. Following is my conclusion so far. Know that I reserve the right to edit, add to and otherwise change my point of view, as we have barely even started the teenage years...

1. Boys come with sound effects. The funniest thing for me and Stacee to do is watch and listen to our boys, Kris included, communicate. They can't get through a paragraph, much less a sentence, without adding noices that would rival a South American jungle during mating season. Stacee, on the other hand, didn't talk unti she was nearly 18 months (late by Smith family standards). She used her face exclusively to communicate - and still does. She's like her mama: all her thoughts run across her face and you can see them in her eyes. It's almost as entertaining watching her have a conversation as it is watching the boys.

2. Boys are perpetually dirty (especially Brennan, our "muck magnet"). It fascinates me that Stacee simply can't stand to have her hands dirty, a speck on her clothes or food on her face, and never could. Conversely, the boys could be covered with any manner of goop, dirt, yuck and mess and think they're ready to go out to dinner and actually come in contact with the public! Sometimes I think that I'll have to actually chisel the stuff off the little boys' hands. I'm relieved to say that A.J. doesn't suffer from this affliction as much any more. There have been times, however, that he comes home from riding his bike with his buddies and he stinks. He can actually clear a room! I guess that's what 14 year-olds do. I can't decide which is worse: the look of being dirty of the smell of it.

3. Girls are harder to raise than boys. Now, it may appear that it's too early to make this assessment, as our one girl is only twelve. We haven't hit the infamous teenage years with her. She hasn't started dating, or loitering at the mall, or texting in the middle of the night, but with nearly a decade and a half of parenting under our belts, I can tell you that she is harder to raise. She costs more money, more time and sometimes, more energy. I realize that all of these things might be related to her personality and not necessarily her gender. Kris and I have found that we worry more about her and certainly want to protect her more. We've found that we've often said we'd rather have one girl and three boys, than three girls and one boy.

I'm certain there will be additions to this list as the years go on, but don't misunderstand me. Our kids and their growing up process fascinates me. It's a testament to the God we serve that four people with individual personalities and characteristics can come into being from the same set of dna. They're all being raised essentially the same way: with lots of sarcasm, millions of hugs and tons of laughter, yet they are so distinctly different. What an awesome miracle Kris and I get to be a part of.

I just hope and pray they still like us when they're parents themselves!

The King of Leprechaun Trap Makers

In case you're wondering, that's who I'm married to: The King of Leprechaun Trap Makers. I know, I know, it may not be a title that most men covet, but it belongs to Kris now anyway, by his own admission.

This all started about week ago when Colin brought home from kindergarten a green sheet of paper with a drawing on it, titled "How to Make a Leprechaun Trap." The first line on this paper said, "This will be a fun project for you and your child to do together."

Let me digress for a moment from my original subject... Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't homework assignments be for THE CHILD? This is obviously not a project a 6 year-old can tackle on their own. If it's coming home with directions for both of us, in my opnion, it's not age-appropriate. I'm all for hangin' out with my kid, but shouldn't I get to choose how I do that? Not to mention the fact that as parents I've done more homework in the 8 years since A.J. started school than the entire 12 years I attended myself. We've covered solar system mobiles, shoebox diaramas (between the four kids, I think we've done about a dozen!) and book reports in all shapes and sizes. For you parents of younger kids, book reports are no longer just for high schoolers. They start in first grade and encompass all sorts of posters, drawings, coffee cans, paper plates and paints.

Anyway, back to the King. When the assignment came home, I very gently delegated it to my husband. After all, building things seems like a daddy thing to do, right? I figured he'd cover a shoebox with some green construction paper, prop it up with a dowel, throw some plastic gold coins under it and call it good. Little did I realize that building a Leprechaun trap for a child in kindergarten would encompass sketches, power tools (plural, mind you), a trip to Ace Hardware, an air compressor and a band-aid. How silly of me! How could I not have imagined that my fun-loving husband (who is an exceptional daddy, by the way) would turn something relatively simple into four hours of swearing. For a time yesterday afternoon, I was worried that Colin wouldn't even be permitted to help. Needless to say, the trap was finished long after Colin was dreaming of pots of gold and rainbows. I'll let you know how it goes at school today...

Cuteness & Probably

This morning as we were walking out the door, Stacee said to me, "Oh, you look cute mommy."

As much as I'd like to admit that I'm mature enough in my appearance to not depend on the compliments of a 12 year-old, let's face it: I'm not! I loved that though she said it with a tone of surprise in her voice (apparently, she was shocked to see me looking cute), she said it none the less. My heart swelled, my face smiled and I've been on cloud 9 all day long feeling attractive. It's been a good Friday!

I suppose I should disregard the fact that at 33 I'm not going for "cute"...


And here's my favorite conversation of the week:

Telephone rings

Me: Hello? Yes, he's here. May I tell him who's calling?

Walk down the hall to A.J.'s lair.

Me: A.J., it's another girl for you. Who's Samantha?

A.J.: A friend.

Me: A friend from school or church?

A.J.: School

My thought: It's like pulling frickin' teeth trying to get him to volunteer information!

Me: Do you have a girlfriend?

A.J.: No.

Me: Do you like anyone?

A.J.: Maybe.

See above comment in italics.

Me: Does anyone like you?

A.J.: Probably.

I hand him the phone, our conversation is clearly over.

Probably? Probably? What kind of swelled head is this kid getting? He's just assuming that somewhere someone likes him. Ha! There are days that I don't even like him and I gave birth to him!
Seriously, though, I'm thankful he's such a likeable kid, even if his hair is too long and he's doesn't lack any confidence.

Poisonberries With Chicken, Please

Here's the conversation that happened last night in our family room. It was between our youngest son Colin, and Kris, while they were nose to nose, Kris holding Colin in his arms:

C: What's for dinner?

K: Chicken, potatoes and vegetables. I know you don't like any of that, so you can have cereal.

C: I only like chicken with that berry stuff on it. (Hand waving - apparently this is the international sign for "berry stuff" and will clear the air so we'll understand him)

(Blank look by Kris and me)

C: You know, poisonberries. (This is where he looks at us like we're idiots)

K: Boisenberries? You like chicken with boisenberries? Where did you have that?

C: Yeah, we had it for dinner that one time. That's the way I like my chicken. Can we have that tonight?

(Still the blank looks are on our faces)

K: I have no idea what you're talking about.

(Finally the lightbulb flickers...)

Me: Do you mean cranberries and turkey? Like on Thanksgiving?

C: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I like.

I'm always amazed at how the world looks through the eyes of my kids. Their humor and honesty make me smile daily. This conversation was a great reminder to me that as grown up as our little 6 year-old likes to act, he's still just a little guy. The days wiz by so fast with rehearsals, homework, social lives, birthday parties and church stuff. I have a hard time sometimes remember who is supposed to be where when, who needs poster board for their project, which kid needs a ride somewhere and what time so-and-so is coming by to do something. He and his siblings are growing so very fast and the time that I have any input in their lives is so very small when compared with their whole lives. All I can do is hope and pray I say the right things, love them the right way and hug them enough.

At the end of the day, though, no matter what I do, he still prefers poisonberries with his chicken.