I've been struggling a lot lately with managing working full-time and mommying full-time. When I came back to work almost exactly three years ago, I really thought I could juggle both home and job. I thought that as the kids got older, they'd become more self-sufficient and I'd have more time with Kris and less guilt about leaving them. It turns out that for the most part, the opposite is true. Surprisingly, they still need me - just in different ways. I find my lunch breaks taken up with pick-ups and drop-offs and I've had to take several hours of sick time for appointments, school activities and special time with the kids. Many afternoons I play the part of mediator over the phone after school. A job which, quite frankly, I can't stand. It breaks my heart to tell my kids that I don't have time to solve their problems, manipulate them into doing their homework, or threaten to take away priveleges. It's so very frustrating to parent them in the afternoons from 20 minutes away, only to get home and still have to manage their lives. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed with an incredible husband, who also is also an awesome daddy, but let's face it: Mommying is something only I can do.
I dream of the day when I can get up early, spend time with Jesus, work out for 30 minutes (cardio & strength), fix my kids a well-balanced breakfast and send them off to school on time, with a nutritious home made lunch in hand, after sitting down at the table with them as we pray over our day.
Our reality right now, however is this: dragging myself out of bed 20 minutes late, multi-tasking through signing permission slips, showering, praying & counting out change for their lunch, while screaming at them to get their lazy tooshies out of bed, followed by me threatening to ground them until the Second Coming - and all of that takes place before we leave the house 10 minutes late!
I'm convinced at this point in my life that mediocrity reigns supreme. I've gotten so far as being able to do most things in both parts of my life adequately for maybe 30 or so consecutive hours. After that, the balls drop and splatter (to make yet another mess) at my feet. I'm tired of not measuring up, of feeling left out, of not quite making things right. I know that the "Superwoman" goal is a myth and that the concept of a perfect "Proverbs 31" woman is unattainable, at least for me. Since it's getting to the point that something will have to give, I'm giving y'all a head's up: I'm choosing my family. This, after all, is what I believe my greatest calling is. The legacy I want to leave is one of faith and not one of business. I know I'm fortunate to work in a church, and that on some scale, my 40 hours a week away fromt the kids have some sort of eternal impact, or maybe not... Regardless, my kids are much more important than typing letters, organizing events and answering phone calls. I want them to know that. I want them to know that they are loved unconditionally and completely, not only by me and Kris, but by their heavenly Father. I want them to relish in the laughter and fun that I haven't recently had the opportunity to give them.
I know full well that there is no perfect mom - working or not - that exists. I'm not at all trying to be that. I'm sure when I finally commit to being home more that there will be days that drive me to tears. I already know how crazy I feel when I am home with them. However, I also know that being available to them, engaging them and loving them is the best thing I can do with my life.
Pray for me.
