LBD

Yesterday, I wore a black dress with tights and heels. It was by no means an evening gown (that would have been absurd), but it's made of a fabric that covers up flaws and hangs nicely on me. It has pleats down the front and ties at the waist to show that I have one. Nevermind that there are unflattering rolls above and below it. I had my make-up done prettily (smoky eyes, glossy lips), my conditioned and (newly grayless) black hair pulled back with a shiny clip. For a splash of color, my new brick red Harvey's handbag was slung gracefully over my shoulder, (this, a present from Kris for Christmas and the most expensive purse I've ever owned) and a black and white checkered retro-style jacket over my dress while I ran errands. I looked sharp and I felt attractive.

I don't usually go around feeling ugly. I take a little time with my appearance every morning and don't leave the house in sweats and slippers. I always have my hair nicely styled, though I'm aware that it's hard to screw up one length straight hair and bangs. I do my make-up everyday. I'm by no means high-maintenance when it comes to what I look like, but it's important to me that I look finished when I walk out the door. It has very little to do with what people think of me or expect from me. It has a lot more to do with taking care of myself and feeling ready to face the world around me everyday. I'm more prepared to deal with flat tires, car pools, long lines and too many errands if my clothes match, my eyelashes are visible and I'm wearing jewelry.

I dressed up yesterday for really hardly any reason at all. I mean, really, how many days in a row can one wear jeans and still feel feminine? Sometimes I miss working. Well, not so much the working part, the needing-to-look-somewhat-nicer-than-a-stay-at-home-mom part. I love to feel pretty. If I could wear a dress or skirt and tank top everyday of the year with little strappy, heeled sandals, I would. It really is when I feel the most attractive. I can't though, which is why yesterday I put on my new, black dress and picked up kids from school, went to Old Navy and bought toilet paper with sore feet and a sexy strut. It was time to feel cute, like I had more exciting things to do than drive around in my old minivan with its funny noises. I enjoyed myself all afternoon yesterday. I think I'll do it again soon.

You Can Teach An Old Dog New Tricks!

Actually, I'm not that old.
I've spent a lot of my time recently planning a mission's trip for middle schoolers. This is not really an area I feel gifted in. I've never planned an event like this and I have no contacts in LA. I haven't even been on a mission trip since I was in high school. God has made a huge effort (well, actually, he's God, so maybe it's not that much of an effort?) to push me out of where I think I fit this last year. Intellectually and spiritually, I've been picked up, shaken around and placed back down OUTSIDE of my comfort zone. I realize that I'm not being sent to Africa, I'm not trying to get through college and I'm not fighting or watching someone I love fight a terrible disease. However, I have been challenged more in my love for Jesus and my desire to know him better more in this past year than ever before.
I've decided to blame a few people around me, who shall remain nameless...

• My brother (okay, his relation to me gives away his identity). He went through seminary and would ask me to proof some of his papers, then ask me questions about them. Also, many times when he learned something new about the Bible or Jesus, he would tell me, thus me learning something new. I'm impressed that I got all the highlights of a seminary education without the student loans. If I were him, I wouldn't have shared on lick of knowlege!
• A friend whom I met through church. She is such an encourager, prayer warrior and Jesus-follower. She has the biggest heart for Jesus and I am envious of the time she spends with him. She has prayed for me and pushed me to find all my solace in my Savior's love for me and this has impacted my marriage enormously.
• A friend with whom I've done ministry. He is a question-asker. He doesn't always need the answers, but he always asks them. He has inspired me to use the non-mommy part of my brain and think critically about the culture around me. I've have learned so much from him about what it means to follow Jesus and love the people I come in contact with.
• My married friends. This last year they decided to leave the church. If anything, they're committed to following Jesus more and not less, and do this in being active in their community and loving on people living in a marginal society.

I guess I took for granted the learning curve in adulthood. I've been wrapped up in being a wife, a mommy, a secretary and forgot that I need to keep stretching myself. It's been really awesome to experience all this, though it's not always comfortable. I find myself talking to God more, learning about him more, enjoying my relationship with him more. I've found, too, that the more I think I know, the less I know. There's always a new facet of his personality to discover, another revelation in his word. I'm so thankful we worship a God who lets up keep learning.

I Love It When...

My brother posted a list on his blog and I thought it was such a good idea, that I'd copy him. After all, imitation is the best form of flattery. I know I've been absent (as if I had thousands of loyal readers following me...), but I'm back now. It's been a difficult few months as we continue to adjust to me being home and the restrictions that come with it. However, it's still worth it. Enough of that melencholy, here's my list:
I love it when...

• my kids sit together without arguing.
• my husband surprises me with his generosity for my students.
• I get to hang out with my Mom just for fun.
• when I get to REALLY use my brain.
• I have fabulous conversations with friends that leave me with more questions than I started with.
• my students call me "Mom" or "Auntie Joy."
• Colin cuddles with me in the morning.
• Kris thinks I'm hot and we've been together for like, ever!
• we have family dinners with my brother and his family and my mom.
• Kris and I get to hang out at home without our kids.
• my kids grasp a really abstract concept.
• I hear Stacee singing.
• A.J. takes time to play baseball with his brothers without me asking him to.
• I see Colin reading because he enjoys it.
• Brennan shows me what an amazing kid he actually is by treating people with kindness and generosity. (Shhh, I assured him I wouldn't share that with anyone!)
• I get to spend Tuesday nights with a bunch of kids, just because I love them.
• my kids hug their dad.
• Kris looks at me across the room and I know what he's thinking without him saying anything.
• it's sunny outside and the house is quiet and clean.
• my kids tell me what they learned at church.
• I get to make new friends.
• I get to spend time with my old friends.

I think that's it for now. My battery is running low and the boys are almost out of school. I'll be posting more regularly now. I think I've got lots to share ;-)

And so it begins... again.

Today is the first day of school. Actually, it's a day full of firsts. A.J. started high school, Stacee started junior high (more on this is a moment) and Colin started first grade. Which all culminates into a fantabulous milestone for me:

ALL FOUR KIDS ARE IN SCHOOL ALL DAY!

Yes, that's correct. If I so choose, I can actually be alone in my home with silence from 9 am to 2:30 pm. That's potentially 5 and a half hours of just me. In case you're wondering why this warrants a blog entry, the last time I was alone was in the 90s. I'm sure you can see why I'm so excited.

Not that my days will be empty. Kris and I made the agreement that if I got to quit my job and stay home, I'd have days full of mopping, organizing, cleaning, dusting, etc. But let's face it, my house can only get so clean, right? Truth be told, I'm really looking forward to finishing projects and starting new ones. I like it when dinner's done when Kris walks in the door. It's a very peaceful feeling when I get up in the morning and the kitchen is clean, or when I have time to clean the toilets before the ring is visible. These are things that make me smile. If I get to do them alone and in the quiet, more power to me!

So, A.J. started high school today. He chose zero period which starts at 6:55 am (yes, that was am!), which means he left the house on his bike about 6:20 this morning. Far too early for me, but his body clock is different than mine. I tried to convince him to let me drive him the first day, but he wasn't having it. It's strange for me to think of him in high school. He's the third generation to go through that school. My parents met there, my brother and I went there and now him. Not to mention several aunts, uncles and cousins, as well. I'm glad that he doesn't have any teachers I had, although it really wasn't that long ago that I graduated. Sometimes it seems like I'm still about 19 in my head, but then I look up to A.J. (literally - he's 6"2' now) and realize that I am actually old enough (but barely!!!) to have a high schooler. It makes me teary to know that there's only a few more years he'll be living here under our roof. Such a limited amount of time to speak truth into his life and teach him all the things he needs to know before he's an adult. He's such an incredible young man, and it's only because he's such a good boy that Kris and I even have the ability to still impact his life. For so many parents that ship has already sailed. How fortunate we are with this gift.

And Stacee started junior high. This has been the hardest thing for me about school starting this year. As far as her maturity level goes, she was so, so, so ready to move from elementary school to junior high. The concern lies in two areas: 1) Only 2 other kids that she knows from 6th grade are attending her school, and 2) She really has no time for drama, gossip and pettiness. I don't know where she got that, but it's truly a zero-tolerance personal policy with her. This is what makes me worry the most. She's perfectly capable of making friends and meeting new people. New situations tend to make her nervous, but she's able to talk herself through it. She's a fun, straight-forward young woman who knows right from wrong and isn't afraid to choose the right thing, even if she's the only one. I'm just afraid she's the only one, which will make junior high an incredibly lonely place. In a culture where your "tribe" counts for everything, I worry that she won't be able to find her own. It's such a precarious balance to strike between being yourself and finding approval for it.

School starting also means the beginning of all the activities that accompany it. This means that I'll spend way too much time driving/carpooling/picking-up/dropping-off than I want to. A.J., Stacee and Brennan will all be taking dance classes again, and participating in our church's Christmas production, "An Evening In December." A.J. will attend youth group once a week, as will Stacee and I. Brennan will want to, but he's not old enough and Colin is still perfectly happy at home. I wonder if he'll ever grow out of that. For the sake of my gas budget, I hope not.

How are you today?

I was asked that question last night by someone who doesn't bother asking unless he wants to know the answer, so I knew I couldn't paste a smile on my face and flippantly say, "Fine." It was difficult to answer because I spent most of yesterday on the verge of tears. I'd love to ignore it and say it was hormonal, but it's wasn't - it was all real.
I've realized that along with the things I love about being home with my kids come things that I don't love about being home with my kids. I'm not talking about things l knew I would dislike: cleaning the house everyday, listening to squabbling or bored kids. I'm talking about things that never even occured to me. Things like not having my own cash and having to think through my own problems. I guess it never really occured to me that I'd really miss the girls from my office or how annoying the words, "Can I play on the Play Station?" could be.
I know I'm doing the right thing by my kids. At the end of my life I didn't want to look back and know that I was an excellent secretary. I want to be able to look back and know that I raised 4 happy, healthy, well-adjusted people. It's just that this week, I'm finding it a little lonely and not a little tedious. I'm certainly not second-guessing my decision to be a full-time mommy; I'm just venting at the unexpected price I'm paying. I know myself well enough to know that I won't feel like this in a few days... thank God! It's just that I was asked the question last night and knew it was the right thing to answer it, so now it's on my mind.
So, like my friend, I won't ask if I don't genuinely care. How are you today?

So Beautiful!

First, let me tell you a few absolutely beautiful things I've come across this last month:

1. I saw Charlotte's Web (the new one, not the 80s cartoon) with my youngest son, Colin. The beautiful part was having a morning with just him. Although I'm usually amazed with and at my kids, this particular morning was outstanding. He has such a sensitive heart, tempered evenly with silliness. What he does with the combination of the two during his lifetime will be exciting to see.

2. My daughter, Stacee leads worship with the band at the middle school group every other week. Seeing her step outside her comfort zone to be vunerable with her talent in front of her peers makes me so, so, so very proud of her. I used think there was no greater sound than the belly-laugh of an infant. I've recently revised my opinion on that. There are few greater sounds anywhere in the world than the sound of your child raising their voice in song to the Maker they believe in.

3. Kris and I walked into the house last week to see all four of our kids sprawled out all over each other in order of their age (raising the bar, anyone?) on the same sofa. They weren't arguing or wrestling. They were showing their affection in a beautiful way: by just hangin' together. It brought tears to my eyes.

Now, let me share with you my last week, which by the way was filled with beauty and art. I left last Sunday morning with 2 other adults and 18 middle schoolers to drive 9 hours to summer camp. I haven't attended a summer camp since 1991, so needless to say, I was slightly intimidated by the prospect. I'm lucky enough to know most of the kids as I've been part of the volunteer staff for the last several months, but I had absolutely no idea how I would do with 10 girls under my care 24/7 for 5 days. I knew what I didn't want to deal with: drama, gossip, whining, boy craziness, sleepless nights. Other than that, my expectations weren't very high. I went into it knowing I would need a little time each day by myself, so I woke up early every morning for a hot shower and some time with Jesus. I knew I'd need to feel connected to the other staff on the trip, so I made a point to get to know my co-counselor better (Yelena is an amazing woman, by the way!).

One of my favorite times was when one of the girls was struggling in a specific area and I had the opportunity to see our pastor speak truth into her life about her worth and her identity and how much she is loved unconditionally by her Maker. He shared with her that God created her uniquely and that he knows she is beautiful. I wanted to tape his encouraging words to have them on file for when I need to hear them. Although this young woman's struggles won't end with that conversation, he gave her tools to use when she is feeling discouraged.

We have two girls in our group who are phenomenal young women. They come from rather yucky backgrounds and reached our church through an outreach program to the community. Since they're both in my small group I've been able to get to know them and I've been honored to do so. They were amazing all week with their involvement in activities, their fun attitudes and their encouragement to the other girls. God has his hand on their lives and I'm anxious to see where he leads them.

I shouldn't be surprised when God steps in to exceed my expectations, but I was this last week. The girls in my cabin astounded me with their gentle attitudes, encouraging words and their willingness to step outside of themselves to love on other kids. It was so very beautiful to see God softening their hearts toward difficult personalities and reaching out in tangible ways to help one another. One of my favorite things was that by the end of the week, I felt like we looked like a family. There was very little separation by gender while we ate our meals together or sat together during Chapel. The students all bonded with each other and I was emmensely proud of all of them.

I was so blessed to be a part of it and have been thanking God the last several days that he chose me to be with them all week. On top of all that, all our girls were asleep every night by 11:30. I'm not sure, but I'm fairly certain that's some kind of record!

Finding Art & Beauty

It wasn't so long ago that I discovered I had the potential to be an artist. Certainly not in the realm of Shakespeare or Monet or Michelangelo, or even modern artists like Spielberg or Webber. I can't string together a bunch of letters and words and make them into poetry, or take clay to sculpt a human form. I'm nowhere near brushing strokes onto blank canvas and invoking emotion from their color, or bringing something out in people they didn't realize they had. I do know, however, that I have something that they also possessed: desire and heart, passion and potential. I'm just not sure what to do with it.

But isn't that what art is? Taking something ordinary and turning it into something extraordinary? Is it possible to do that with a life? Can you begin with an average mom of 4 kids, a bad credit score and no college degree and spin it into something amazing? Can you have a broken dishwasher, unanswered emails, a cheap bottle of wine and make it beautiful?

Which begs the question: what does beautiful look like? Is it a big house, a handsome husband, a career and a financial portfolio? Is it possible that there is beauty and creativity in the average? Those moments in which you take a deep breath and heave a heavy sigh of contentment - are those beautiful? I believe they are - or rather, they have the potential to be. I believe also that as children of The Creator, we're obligated to find it. He didn't call us to live average lives, but rather to have abundant lives. I know it's difficult when we're stuck in the middle of piled-up bills, stacked-up laundry and heaped-up baggage to fine the uniqueness that God created us with, but it's there. After all, He put it there for His glory.

I'm on a quest the find the beauty in the mundane and the creativity in the average. I'll let you know what I come across.