Happy Anniversary!

Nineteen years ago I said, "I do" to a young man who turned out to be more awesome that I originally thought. We stood in the sweltering heat in my grandparent's backyard in front of about 70 people and said the normal vows - for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, yada yada yada... I've thought a lot about those vows lately and though they're full of meaning to just about anyone who repeats them and they've lasted the test of time, I'm pretty sure there are other things I should have said that day that would mean more to both Kris and me, and ultimately, they probably would have made our marriage easier. If I could re-do my vows, this is what I would say:

"I, Joy Kathleen, take you, Kristopher Lee Smith to be husband. I promise to hug you everyday and make you smile all the time. I promise to do things that make you think of me in the most inopportune times and blush while you're in public. I promise to be the kind of wife who will drive you crazy - in the good way and the bad way.
"I will fail you all the time, but I will never stop trying. I will be silly, sexy or silent when I need to be and I will do my best to figure out when those times are without harrassing you emotionally. I will be trustworthy, honest and affectionate. I will not embarrass you in front of your friends or family.
"I will love our kids whole-heartedly and unconditionally because they are the only things that are completely you and completely me, while being completely seperate from us. They are the only things we'll leave behind on this earth that are worth anything. I will hug them and teach them to be silly. I will tell them about Jesus. I will let them make up their own minds about what they believe in faith, political and moral matters. I will do my very best not to completely screw them up. I will remember that you and are I in this parenting thing together and that we create a perfect balance in loving and raising our kids. I will never speak bad things about you to them and I will always help them to know the very best things about you.
"I promise to never run out of toilet paper, hearty meals or midol. I promise to surprise you with mini-vacations and take naps with you in the middle of the afternoon when I have a dozen other things to do. I promise to make sure the dishes are done and the family room is straightened when you walk in the door after work. I promise to make sure you have clean clothes. I promise not to get annoyed when you leave crumbs on the kitchen counter or toothpaste guck on the bathroom sink.
"I promise to laugh with you and to hold you. I promise to do whatever it takes to make our marriage survive all the garbage we'll go through in the next several decades. I promise to never, ever, ever stop trying and putting in effort. I know that sometimes I will feel selfish and undesirable, but I will always put your first. I will not use the excuse that I deserve anything other than our life together - no matter what that life together ever looks like. I will not compare our marriage to other marriages, because ours is absolutely unique.
"I love you, Kristopher, and I will never stop."

Why I Do What I Do

For some crazy reason, I love teenagers. I love them in a way many parents don't! I love to hang out with them, hear about their lives, meet their friends, know about their families. They are in an incredibly unique stage in life, walking the fine line between childhood and adulthood while they maneuver their schools, balance their social schedules and define themselves. Thankfully, I'm priviledged to be on the front lines to witness that development not only in the lives of my own kids and their immediate friends, but to almost 100 others in my youth group.

The generation we're raising up right now is often referred to as the "Entitlement Generation," and while teens are generally perceived to be selfish, covetous people, many of the ones I know are quite the opposite. I've seen kids start prayer groups on their public junior high campuses, donate their own money and raise funds for orphanages, fund-raise for friend's camps and give up literally hours each week to serve by scrubbing toilets, stuffing Easter eggs and stacking chairs. Many times I've been dumbfounded by their actions. For kids that the public thinks are frivilous, immoral and disrespectful, they are loving more boldly than I see a lot of my own generation doing.

I hang out with teenagers because it's fun. I do it because it brings me joy; because God has called me to it; because I have the rare opportunity to speak into young people's lives and they listen. They make me laugh. They make me want to love Jesus more. They make me a better parent. They allow me to gain insight on what it means to be a woman, a Christian and a mom. I do it because it gives me the opportunity to know their parents. They let me encourage them, hug them, be silly with them and love them. I hang out with teenagers because I can't imagine not doing it.

I have the opportunity to travel 2500 miles in a few weeks with about 75 young people to Colorado to attend the Desperation Conference at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. Stacee and I went last year and it changed our lives. That may sound trite and cliche, but it's true. For those of you believers reading this, you can't argue with spending more time with Jesus, practicing Biblical disciplines (like fasting and meditation) or spending more time in prayer than either of us ever had been in the habit of doing. We're both really excited that AJ will go with us this year. I've seen God honor prayers that Stacee and I prayed last summer. Our family has benefitted greatly from our time there last year and we're waiting excitedly to see what God does through our experience this year. The trip is costing us about $1000 (plus a few meals on the road and other necessities - a tent, snacks & 3 air mattresses) and while we've fund-raised and received donations for the bulk of it, we're still needing some more. If you're reading this and so led, please consider supporting us. Checks to East Valley Church are tax-deductible, but please send them to me so I can make sure it goes to support us.

I'm honored to love on these students. I'm so greatful that God created us so uniquely so not everyone wants to lead worship or feed the hungry or be a foster parent. I love doing what I do. I'm constantly surprised that they not only allow me to be a youth leader, but the kids want me there. How blessed am I?

No Coffee, but Great Friends

Well, I succeeded in my clothing fast last month. Well, almost... I made it through August 29, but wasn't organized enough to get my laundry done and caved the last two days. Not bad, though, I think. It became a much more spiritual experience than I anticipated. I was constantly aware, through the entire month, of people who have much less than I do. I certainly found myself being very greatful for the wardrobe I do have. Like I've said before, I'm pretty low-maintenance and low-budget when I comes to my attire. However, there were so many days previous to August when I would look at my closet and say, "Ugh! I hate all my clothes!," or "I have nothing to wear. I need to go shopping!" That point of view has certainly changed. On September 1, when I got dressed I found myself actually overwhelmed by choices. I wanted to wear things that had been hanging untouched for months. The end result is that I'm ready to do a major purge and own a lot less. I've heard before that we wear about 20% of our wardrobe 80% of the time. That seems like a waste to me, so I'm going to attempt to pare it down to what is actually needed, with a few bonus items for special occassions. I'll keep you posted.

This month, no coffee. I'm not cutting out caffeine, just coffee. I'm not brave enough to deal with the headaches every afternoon if I go without caffeine.

Now, onto the Great Friends part! I spent yesterday morning (a gorgeous day, by the way) at the park with two amazing women whom I used to work with at First Covenant. We had a blast! They both have 3 year olds and babies. It was beyond delightful to spend a morning visiting, laughing, basking in the sun and catching up on each other's lives. I felt so blessed just being with them. Jaime lives in Folsom, but our friend, Daniella lives in Virginia (on her way to Hawaii in a few months; poor lady...) and was out here visiting family. They are both good mommies. Good mommies in the way I'm pretty sure I never was. The way they interacted, entertained and carried on conversations simultaneously wowed me. They didn't lose their patience or their cool ever. Although I'm very thankful that I'm past the baby/toddler/pre-school phase in my life, I found myself thinking that if I had to do it again, I would be able to pull it off now. I'd just ask them how they do it.

If the devil is in the details, then grace must abound there, too. I feel sometimes like I was never patient enough with my kids when they were little. Maybe it's my personality, maybe it's because I started my family so young, or maybe it's because I really wasn't ever patient. I know I raised my voice too much, didn't read enough stories, didn't built enough lego castles or dress enough Barbies with them. I fed them McDonald's too much, dumped them off with grandparents too often and cried over my constant feeling of failure. Thankfully, there's four of them, so they helped each other out - and me. I told my sister-in-law, Heather not too long ago that God protected me and the kids when they were little. For the first decade I was a parent, I think I was in a daze. Sometimes I worked, sometimes I didn't. There was always stress trying to make ends meet and keep our marriage together. It felt like trudging through mud constantly. Wake up and go, go, go, but always feel like it wasn't good enough or fast enough. I took my first deep breath followed by a big sigh and realaxed for the first time when Colin started first grade. For the first time in over ten years, I could actually be by myself and figure out what Joy looked like, apart from the offspring.

Grace has carried me into the teenage years. It must have. My kids are amazing young people with fabulous, fun personalities. Of course they all have their short-comings (which, of course, I feel like are all my fault...), but they're happy, well-adjusted, affectionate, silly young people.
There are few things in life I enjoy more than watching them grow and mature. When they love each other sincerely and play together, I smile everytime I get to see it. There are still things that I do wrong (I'll blog a list pretty soon), but I think God's got my back. He has so far.

Day 18

Well, I've been at this for over two weeks and overall, it's going quite well. I'm feeling pretty good about finishing out the month without losing my mind or being irritated at my lack of choices. I think the creativity is the most fun part. Turning a scarf into a blouse and accessorizing a plain sundress so it's appropriate for a wedding has been a challenge, but one I'm happy to say I've risen to. It's funny to do laundry and see my stack be so small compared to everyone else's. Usually I spend all day, every Monday doing all the laundry (except for A.J. and Stacee's), but I can't always last a week on my meager wardrobe, so I've had to do some extra. That's been the hardest part. The other challenge has been not wearing the same thing to church every Sunday and Wednesday that I wore the previous week. I think I sound vain assuming that everyone notices what I wear and maybe vanity is a good enough reason to challenge myself this way.

Whittling down my wardrobe to only a handful of pieces has definitely made me much more grateful for the other pieces in my closet. I caught myself wistfully feeling one of my favorite blouses the other day, being tempted by its color and texture - so different than anything I've worn this month. It's easy for me to do this, knowing that it's only for a month. I keep thinking, though, about all the kids who are wearing shoes two sizes too small and homeless teens washing their clothes in park bathrooms. I keep thinking that there must be something that can be done, beyond raising awareness or being disciplined for a small portion of the year. I know there are clothes closets at non-profits and churches all over the city and thrift stores, which I know from experience keep low-income families clothed on a tight budget. Here's my question, though: if there are still kids, teens and adults without those resources, are we doing a good enough job? The same could be asked about food. Are we, as Americans who waste hundreds upon hundreds of pounds of goods and food PER PERSON each year, doing enough for the society we live in?

I know I'm not.

My Ten Things

The average American throws away roughly 68 pounds of textiles each year, the majority of this ending up in landfills. I was shocked by this statistic. As someone who takes a small amount of pride in my appearance, I am pretty low-maintenance when it comes to my wardrobe itself. I don't spend much on my clothing. In fact, most of the things I wear are either hand-me-downs or come from thrift stores. For the last several years I've had a $10 rule: any clothes I buy have to be less than $10. Still, I was appalled that we, as Americans, throw so much usable stuff away.

Recently, I watched a short news story on a woman who wore only 6 items of clothing for an entire month. She was a career woman, a reporter. She blogged about it and others participated in the experiment with her. It really intrigued me, so I decided to try it as well. I didn't think I could handle only 6 articles, so I upped it to 10: 2 sundresses, 2 skirts, 2 pairs of shorts, 3 shirts and a pair of jeans. That's what I'll wear for a month. I'm not too worried about pulling it off and I'm already enjoying the creativity of pulling in different shoes and accessories so I don't feel like I'm wearing the same thing everyday. I think it will be fun to be challenged in this way. The hardest part will be things that are out of the ordinary this month: a weekend away with friends and a wedding I'm coordinating. We'll see how that goes...

As much as I love the challenge, and it has certainly made me more aware of being wasteful, there's a bigger reason for me to do this. I like the lessons it enables me to teach our kids. I like that I've been able to have conversations about what what we actually need and how it differs from what we want. I enjoy being an example of living a little more simply, and being aware of how much the rest of the world doesn't have by comparison to our country. I'm not trying to punish myself for living here, I just think that living here gives us a responsiblity to not be blind to how people live beyond our borders. I like that I'm able to be thankful that I can choose only 10 items, instead of being limited to them.

What I Believe...

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I believe about life, faith, God and family lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm trying to line up how I feel about certain things with what I've been taught. I've found they're not always the same. Maybe I'm trying to figure out how to raise my kids well in a culture that doesn't always support the same things Kris and I do. Maybe it's just because I have more time to think than I used to. In any event, here's the start:

I believe...

• that most anything can be fixed with zip ties, a hot glue gun or gaffer's tape.
• that what we put into our bodies as nourishment effects far more than our waistline.
• that I have a responsibility to my family, my God and the earth not to be wasteful with my money, time or resources.
• that choosing to love two more kids and welcoming them into my home is first about my obedience to God, and second about my love for them.
• that I've lived out my faith better outside the church walls than I did inside them.
• that kids don't need to go to pre-school. They need parents who are engaged.
• that health care should be accessible to everyone; that it isn't a right protected under the Constitution; that it shouldn't be mandated by the government.
• that homosexuality is not a salvation issue.
• that, as a Christian, I'm supposed to love people. Period.
• that most Americans could live very comfortably on a portion of what they currently do.
• that cable, internet, cell phones and new cars are not necessities.
• that music is beautiful.
• that Kris is the perfect fit for my broken, silly, passionate self.
• that I am honored to raise these kids, more than I could ever begin to express with words.
• that I would be a happier mommy if I could walk around with a cocktail in my hand all the time.

That's it for now.

LBD

Yesterday, I wore a black dress with tights and heels. It was by no means an evening gown (that would have been absurd), but it's made of a fabric that covers up flaws and hangs nicely on me. It has pleats down the front and ties at the waist to show that I have one. Nevermind that there are unflattering rolls above and below it. I had my make-up done prettily (smoky eyes, glossy lips), my conditioned and (newly grayless) black hair pulled back with a shiny clip. For a splash of color, my new brick red Harvey's handbag was slung gracefully over my shoulder, (this, a present from Kris for Christmas and the most expensive purse I've ever owned) and a black and white checkered retro-style jacket over my dress while I ran errands. I looked sharp and I felt attractive.

I don't usually go around feeling ugly. I take a little time with my appearance every morning and don't leave the house in sweats and slippers. I always have my hair nicely styled, though I'm aware that it's hard to screw up one length straight hair and bangs. I do my make-up everyday. I'm by no means high-maintenance when it comes to what I look like, but it's important to me that I look finished when I walk out the door. It has very little to do with what people think of me or expect from me. It has a lot more to do with taking care of myself and feeling ready to face the world around me everyday. I'm more prepared to deal with flat tires, car pools, long lines and too many errands if my clothes match, my eyelashes are visible and I'm wearing jewelry.

I dressed up yesterday for really hardly any reason at all. I mean, really, how many days in a row can one wear jeans and still feel feminine? Sometimes I miss working. Well, not so much the working part, the needing-to-look-somewhat-nicer-than-a-stay-at-home-mom part. I love to feel pretty. If I could wear a dress or skirt and tank top everyday of the year with little strappy, heeled sandals, I would. It really is when I feel the most attractive. I can't though, which is why yesterday I put on my new, black dress and picked up kids from school, went to Old Navy and bought toilet paper with sore feet and a sexy strut. It was time to feel cute, like I had more exciting things to do than drive around in my old minivan with its funny noises. I enjoyed myself all afternoon yesterday. I think I'll do it again soon.